In all honesty, I thought pre-scheduling content months in advance would do the trick. I’d feel on top of my game but still have the sense of resting. But we all know as bloggers, the grind never stops even when content is planned out ahead of time. The behind the scenes work out ways the creative writing. Even saying the words, “taking a break” makes me feel like a failure. I know I’m not. But having to make a statement in a blog post because I’m fearful of you forgetting about me is actually one of the reasons why I need to take a step back. I’ve lost my drive & I need to rediscover my purpose for blogging.
I’m just going to be completely transparent. Without blogging I don’t know what I would do when I wake up in the morning. It has been my drive through this chaotic year. So, to feel burnt out by my passion feels heart breaking & defeating. But I know this year & a half has left us all feeling like we are just coasting through life without any reason & I just became mentally exhausted from it all.
Recently, I talked about how it’s important to be intentional as a blogger. Here I am giving my readers such advice, but I can’t see I’m the one who needs to hear it the most. I would work myself to the bone, writing content after content & scheduling like the beast I can be without even blinking an eye. And I thought to myself, “when was the last time you took a vacation?” Granted, I still don’t want or feel comfortable getting on a plane & head somewhere, the type of vacation I need is simply extra sleep. The point where I knew I needed to step back was when I would re-read what I would write & never being satisfied with it. I can’t tell you how many WIP I have in my drafts right now. But I wanted to keep the consistency alive. I’ve been blogging for 9 months straight now & 1000+ followers later. And part of me doesn’t feel like it’s been long enough to justify such a break. At the same time, I’d much rather catch it now instead of letting it blow up in my face from complete burn out.
The extrinsic motivation of follower counts & “fame” was my focus. But I have to get back to the intrinsic motivators such as the emotion of my words & the impact it has on others. That’s why I started blogging. The notoriety has just been an added bonus that can really take a hold on you & define your success. Even when people tell you not to be this way, statistics are always in your face as a visual representation of how things are going. And obviously I’m incredibly grateful for my following & growth. You are my cheerleaders & the best support system I could ever ask for. Anytime I need a boost, I just read your heartwarming comments.
I’m not writing this to be dramatic (although I am a Leo) but to simply be authentically me & tell you how I’ve been feeling lately. Sometimes all it takes is to be open & vulnerable for someone else to comment back saying “i understand” or “i’ve felt this way too.” And believe me, I’ll probably still be writing during this break. But hopefully since the pressure of posting is off my mind, I’ll be able to write more freely & authentically. That way when I do return I have content that will be more profound & something I’ll be incredibly proud of.
On a side note, I find it funny how I’ve been having this writers block, but as soon as I just start writing from the heart, the words just flow on the screen. Go figure.
I won’t place a specific date of return as I’m simply just taking it a day at a time. But I’m thinking the last week in April or beginning of May. Of course, I’ll still be on Instagram & Twitter because I find joy in talking to you all. So, I won’t be completely MIA.